BuddhistDruidChristianHumanist

Day 1 – Once again, the infusion treatment went well. I’m starting the new protocol with this one where I have an infusion on Monday and take a pump home for the next two days. I’m scheduled to go back on Wednesday morning to have the pump disconnected. The pump hangs in a bag over my shoulder that is about the size of a large fanny pack. The pump is quieter than I anticipated. I probably had in mind those noisier oxygen pumps that people carry around. This one is practically silent except for an occasional sound of the pump that is like a very soft squeak about every minute and a half. I have been doing something called a mimicking fast that has two functions. One is that it has been researched to show that it mitigates the side effects of chemo. So, between the gentler protocol with no chemo pills to take and this diet, I’m hopeful that I will not have the up and down nausea that I had the first go round and that I wont have the severe GI distress, vomiting and diarrhea, after the ...

Welcome! I’m going to start by talking about Names and Labels and explaining the Name I have given to this blog. Names and Labels can be so constraining and revealing at the same time. They put us in boxes of assumptions that go along with those names and labels. They can lead us astray by setting up expectations that any of us can be fully defined by our labels and names. At the same time, they can offer a glimpse into our identities that, as long as they are understood to be simply a beginning, can offer some insights into how we see ourselves. As author Bill Bryson wrote in The Mother Tongue: English & How It Got That Way , “…there must be some conventions of usage. We must agree to spell cat c-a-t and not e-l-e-p-h-a-n-t and we must agree that by that word we mean a small furry quadruped that goes meow and sits comfortably on one’s lap and not a large lumbering beast that grows tusks and is exceedingly difficult to housebreak.” So, yes, Names and Labels have meanings...

So, ever since my colon cancer diagnosis, I have been keeping a journal that follows my diagnosis, my physical, spiritual, and emotional reactions to different places along the journey, and - now that I have begun chemotherapy - a blow by blow on the side effects and other experiences of the treatment. I am going to post those journal entries here under the heading "Cancer Journal - Date of Entry - Title." The first 15 or 16 of those entrees are all being submitted tonight. Others will follow as they are written and reflected upon in real time. So, if you are interested in following that journey, that is where you will find those reflections - starting with the heading Cancer Journal - sometimes in all of their gory detail.

Day 1 – The infusion treatment went well. The new port, which was placed surgically on Friday, functioned well and the infusion itself was unremarkable. It felt like sitting in a room for three hours reading a book. If it wasn’t for the IV tower with a bag of fluid right next to me, I wouldn’t have noticed the difference. Later in the day, I started noticing the first side effects – slight neuropathy. I touched a cold doorknob and it felt hot. The air conditioning in my car was making my fingers tingle. And when I drank a cold drink, my lips and tongue felt a buzzing sensation and my throat felt like I was swallowing chunks even though the drink was all liquid. What I didn’t have at all on Monday was nausea even after I took the chemo pills in the evening. There was a significant amount of anti-nausea medication in my infusion so that might be the reason. I was told that Wednesday would be the hard day. Day 2 – I woke up feeling relatively normal, maybe slightly nauseous so I took o...

I’ll cut to the chase. I got the results back from the lab today and they found cancer cells in 3 of the 26 lymph nodes that they collected during surgery. Of course, 3 is better than 23 but we were hoping for zero. So, needless to say this is a massive disappointment.   I will be meeting with an oncologist, possibly next week when I meet with my surgeon for a follow up next Tuesday, to talk about what all of this means. The short version is that it means chemotherapy is very likely. (I don’t know if there are ANY circumstances which would NOT include chemotherapy but I’m leaving that open until I have more information.) The short version of what to expect is that probably about six weeks after surgery, I will begin chemotherapy treatment over the course of six months. So, this is essentially from end of September to end of February. I’m trying to remain calm about this and consider it another hiccup along the path and an added nuisance given that chemotherapy is just not fun. Bu...

I came home from the hospital this morning. Surgery was successful with only a couple minor surprises. They found that the tumor was closer to the rectum than expected so the surgeon had to take some of the rectum as part of the resection. The good news is that there was still enough margin that it doesn’t interfere with the performance of the rectum (so, No colostomy, thank goodness). The other surprise was a couple of growths on the diaphragm which they removed and biopsied and found to be benign. Surgery, as they always are, was surreal. We arrived at 5:30am and checked in. The kids were allowed to come back into the pre-op area until I was wheeled into the OR. The anesthesiologist was especially good talking to the kids while I was answering questions. He was reassuring them and telling them what would happen. Dustin arrived around 6:30 or so and stayed with us until it was time to wheel me in. I got to say good bye and I love you to everyone. We didn’t pray before going in but I...

I went to church this morning and asked Jill to pray for me. I noted to her how surprisingly powerful it is to be on the other side of prayer that I have offered to others. I broke down in tears while I was talking to her. Steve stood up to offer me a hug. I spoke with Dani later and told her about my meditation practice. She commented on how she is not surprised by what I am doing because I stand in my faith in all of the ways that I can experience it. This was a powerful reflection that felt good to hear. Surgery is on Thursday with the additional colonoscopy on Wednesday. Mostly, I feel ready for this. I feel some trepidation about the recovery from surgery aspect. However, that is because I haven’t had major surgery since I was a child and even that didn’t involve an abdominal incision. I feel hopefully confident that the surgery will go well and that they will not find anything unexpected and even that the cancer will not have spread to the lymph nodes. Speaking of that, it is l...

I just had a powerful experience of meditation. Probably, it was fueled by the fact that I was able to do it in the middle of the day, without distractions and without being exhausted to the temptation of sleep constantly. The meditation practice began in its normal way. However, I soon began to experience myself as energy and space surrounded by energy in a way that I had not before. Not only was I feeling this experience but I was also having visual representations of the experience. I was seeing these spheres of white light that would start small and then diminish as if moving off into a distance. Later, as I had moved deeper into the meditation, these spheres reappeared but where they had been small water drops of light that diminished to pinpoints, they now started off as large globes covering most of my field of vision before similarly diminishing to pinpoints. As I went further into the meditation, I finished visualizing myself as pure energy surrounded in a universe of ener...

Physical I went to Bend, Oregon for the family reunion the first week of July and didn’t journal at all there. And then we got back to Denver and I haven’t journaled since. In a nutshell, the reunion was a challenge. I was having major GI problems that kept me from going on hikes and other events for two of the days there. I did manage to go on the rafting trip with the family, took Georgia to the rock climbing event which my friend Lucas guided, and to the 4 th of July events. But a major hike went off without me and another day, I managed to take the kids to the swimming pool but didn’t go on the hike that was planned for that day. Getting back to the airport on Saturday was a challenge because we flew out of Portland which meant a 2-3 hour drive to the airport and we almost didn’t get there on time because I had to stop for a bathroom several times. When we got back to Denver, I made an appointment with a nutritionist to talk about mitigating these symptoms so I could make it co...

I met with the oncology team at University Hospital with Dr. McCarter. It was a thorough meeting that began at 10am with a consultation with the staff and blood work in the lab. After lunch, the multidisciplinary team meets and makes a recommendation. One funny element of the morning session is that one of the interns was taking down some information and she asked for clarification if my partner was a man named Chris or a woman named Christine. We got that “straightened” out, so to speak. After lunch, I met with Dr. McCarter. He verified most of what I had heard before. No evidence from the cat scan of spread to any other organs. In the surgery, they will remove the lower colon (sigmoid) and a sampling of lymph nodes to examine for cancer cells. They should know about the lymph nodes within a few days (and since then, I have found that it is possible that they will even take a look under the microscope immediately in surgery). No need to rush to surgery as the outcome is likely to b...

So, I met with the oncologist with Christine and Dustin accompanying me. To her credit, she got straight to the point and said that my cat scan came back showing no sign of spread to any other organs. She also noted that there was no sign of swelling in the lymph nodes which would be a clear indicator that the cancer had spread there. There are no guarantees that they won’t find cancer cells in the lymph nodes but at least there are no obvious signs of spreading to the lymph nodes. Doctor Kohn encouraged me to meet with Dr. McCarter before I leave for the family reunion in Bend next week so that we can get on the schedule for surgery before I leave rather than waiting until I get back.

Today, I went in for the cat scan to see if the cancer has spread. I will get results on Monday. The procedure was actually quite easy. I didn’t have to drink the chalky barium liquid. It is all done intravenously now. That was actually the most difficult part, finding my vein to insert the catheter into. But the nurse finally succeeded. I was placed on a sliding table that rolled my body up to my neck into the tube and then pulled me back out again. It did this once to get a clean scan without the barium and then the IV was pumped with barium which produced a warm sensation, particularly around my buttocks. Then, the table moved me back into the tube one more time. The technician was very upbeat and lighthearted throughout, even when she was struggling to get my vein. I don’t want to read too much into this but she remained upbeat even after seeing my scan.

I am not cancer. I have cancer and I am fighting cancer. But I am also raising two kids and I am a husband. I have so many different identities and being someone with cancer is just one of them. I’m writing this because I’m already aware of how, while this is a significant battle in front of me, I am already aware of a growing sense in which it can take over my identity. Yes, there will be a lot of energy directed toward fighting this cancer and it will require a lot of my focus but it cannot be the single focus to the extent that it consumes my identity. Today, I had a consultation with a surgeon, Dr. Brown. In addition to talking about the surgery itself and what to expect, I had a rectal exam. Definitely one of the most painful experiences I have ever had. Part of the exam requires puffing air into your rectum/colon so that the doctor can get a good look at the rectum. So, it is basically like getting the worst case of gas you have ever had with no chance for release. The good ...

I sent an email to the Earley side of the family on Saturday and called my dad and Tam on Friday. I also told Dustin on Friday. Everyone’s responses are as expected, very supportive. I also sent a few select emails to a small group of friends. Today, I “came out” on Facebook. I posted this message: “Barely into my 50s and my body is playing tricks on me. On Thursday, I got blisters on my feet from simply a brisk but short walk with my wife at lunch time. On Friday, I found out I have colon cancer. And on Sunday, I strained my groin muscle while playing kickball with the kids.” I wasn’t sure if I was going to do this or not but I decided that it was the best way to share this news with other people that are important to me even if it also means going out to a much larger audience. I’ll admit that I’ve been a little taken aback by the volume of responses. Lots of support, even from people who I thought were really just passively connected to me. Tomorrow, I’m meeting with the surg...

Today, I saw the oncologist. The appointment was mostly as I expected. I got some basic information about what to expect – Cat scan to determine if the cancer has spread, decisions about surgery once we know where it is, decisions about any other treatments (chemotherapy) will be based on the information gained from the cat scan. I also had blood drawn so they could test it for anemia and also a particular marker (CEA, carcinoembryonic antigen ) which would indicate if the cancer has spread. One thing that is coming as a bit of a surprise is how proactive the doctors are. The appointment with the medical oncologist happened because his office called me on Friday before I called them. And today, the nurse that I spent most of my time talking to called me to say that my blood did not show signs of anemia and, most importantly, the CEA was at 1.2 (nanograms per ml of blood). The normal range is less than five (some websites say less than three) so clearly well below normal and not elev...

On Wednesday and Thursday, I was mostly feeling at ease about the unknown tumor. There wasn’t anything I could do about it except for waiting to get the information on Friday. Friday, that sense of ease disappeared. I wasn’t super anxious but I was distracted by knowing that I might get some information today. That’s how I’m feeling today. “Ok, I know what it is and I’ve started putting the wheels in motion for all of the things I can do RIGHT NOW.” But tomorrow, I meet with the doctor and some of this is going to get more real. I don’t expect to feel particularly anxious because I don’t think I’m going to get much more information tomorrow. I took the kids to the dentist and it felt like an otherwise normal day.

I have one appointment already scheduled with many more to come. On Tuesday, I am meeting with the medical oncologist recommended by the doctor who did(n’t do) my colonoscopy. I expect that he will schedule me for a cat scan as soon as possible so we can find out what I’m really up against. We told the kids on Friday afternoon because I’m sure the kids would have picked up on our mood. I made a point of not using a lot of medical words whenever I could describe it more concretely to them. So, I didn't use the word "cancer" or "tumor" - not because I'm afraid of those words but because "a lump growing inside me where it shouldn't be growing" is more concrete to them. We also didn't speculate about the seriousness of this since there is a lot we don't know. And I specifically told them that we were sharing this with them because this was a surprise to us and it is not a good surprise and "we didn't want them trying to figure o...

So, on Wednesday, I went in for a mostly routine colonoscopy that is recommended when you are over 50. I say mostly routine because I’ve been having some problems since about mid-March – painful gas, constant urge to go, loose stools. And it had become chronic. I had attributed this to stress, particularly since Mom’s death. However, when I woke up the doctor told me that they had encountered a tumor blocking the way at the sigmoid colon and couldn’t complete the exam. They biopsied the tumor and sent it to a lab for more information. Without a doubt, I was going to need surgery to deal with the blockage, even if it was benign. However, yesterday the doctor called to say that the biopsy results say that it is cancer. Today, I went for a hike with Christine and the kids. We took pictures like we always do but today I was aware of a caption for the pictures along the lines of “First day of an unexpected journey.”

So, ever since my colon cancer diagnosis, I have been keeping a journal that follows my diagnosis, my physical, spiritual, and emotional reactions to different places along the journey, and - now that I have begun chemotherapy - a blow by blow on the side effects and other experiences of the treatment. I am going to post those journal entries here under the heading "Cancer Journal - Date of Entry - Title." The first 15 or 16 of those entrees are all being submitted tonight. Others will follow as they are written and reflected upon in real time. So, if you are interested in following that journey, that is where you will find those reflections - starting with the heading Cancer Journal - sometimes in all of their gory detail.

It does. Sin happens all around us all the time. Now, it might be helpful to unpack this word sin before we go much further. Because, if you grew up in a fire and brimstone church like I did or if you just pay attention to pop culture where images of televangelist Jimmy Swaggert crying after admitting to having an affair with a prostitute or televangelist James Bakker crying after admitting to having an affair with a woman he paid off with embezzled funds from his ministry, you’d be forgiven for thinking that sin was just about being naughty with your private parts. But it’s not. Sin is everywhere. As my pastor reminded me yesterday morning, the word sin in Greek is hamartia and it means more literally “to miss the mark.” Likewise, the most common Hebrew word for sin is hata and it means “to go astray.” So, sin CAN BE the more sensational sexual misdeeds that make a grown man cry on television for forgiveness. But that is simply because it IS just one example of missing the m...

Welcome! I’m going to start by talking about Names and Labels and explaining the Name I have given to this blog. Names and Labels can be so constraining and revealing at the same time. They put us in boxes of assumptions that go along with those names and labels. They can lead us astray by setting up expectations that any of us can be fully defined by our labels and names. At the same time, they can offer a glimpse into our identities that, as long as they are understood to be simply a beginning, can offer some insights into how we see ourselves. As author Bill Bryson wrote in The Mother Tongue: English & How It Got That Way , “…there must be some conventions of usage. We must agree to spell cat c-a-t and not e-l-e-p-h-a-n-t and we must agree that by that word we mean a small furry quadruped that goes meow and sits comfortably on one’s lap and not a large lumbering beast that grows tusks and is exceedingly difficult to housebreak.” So, yes, Names and Labels have meanings. Bu...