Lenten Journey: Aspects of Spirituality – Psychological/Emotional

We have covered all the spokes on the Wheel of Spirituality but one, the Psychological/Emotional spoke. This is essentially how do we cope with life, literally. What coping mechanisms do you have for life’s ups and downs and twists and turns? How do you respond to your emotions? What emotions do you express? Where are your support systems and how do you access them?

First, it is important to understand a little bit about the emotional process.

When we think about our emotions, we often think that they are primary. They often arise so fast that it is easy to believe that our immediate reaction to everything is an emotional one. But as true as that feels, we are cognitive beings with the ability to express emotions and even our emotional responses that feel completely intuitive and embodied do not bypass our brain.

As short as this process may be, 1) we have an experience, 2) we have a thought about that experience (our brain processes the experience), and then 3) we have an emotional response to the experience we processed. For example, I am walking and I stub my toe on a rock so I experience pain. I process that the pain was caused by my toe striking a rock that I didn’t notice. I feel frustration and anger… at the rock, at my self for not paying attention, at my cat for waking me up early this morning and causing me to be more sleepy and less attentive, at my wife for turning the lights on this morning. I didn’t say the thoughts had to be rational, only that they exist, even fleetingly, before the emotional response.

In fact, that is one of the challenges in this process. If your thought process is distorted, your emotional responses will also be distorted. The beneficial version of your psychological/emotional process is your ability to cope with life’s twists and turns free of distortions and, when those distortions arise, access the support that will help you reorient those distortions. I’ll offer a fictional example. It’s important to be clear that it is fictional because I’m going to create a story that includes my wife.

So, I go out to lunch at a Panera near my house. As I walk into the restaurant, I see my wife, who works in Evergreen about 20 miles from our house, having lunch with a man I don’t recognize. I’m immediately confused by what I’m seeing. (I’ve now had an experience, step 1 in the process.) As my brain starts to process this experience, several thoughts (and questions) enter my mind.

“I didn’t expect to see her here. She works in Evergreen. Who is that man she’s having lunch with?”

I’m also starting to have some emotions that go with these thoughts. Frustration, for one.

“Why didn’t she tell me that she was going to be down here today? I would have liked to have lunch with her. Who’s that man she’s having lunch with?”

My emotions are getting stronger and I’m having more thoughts.

“Does she come down here for lunch often? I’ve asked her to meet me for lunch before and she often says that she has meetings all day and lunch is her one time just to have some downtime. And who is that MAN she’s having lunch with?”

I’m having lots of different thoughts now, none of them particularly good ones. I suspect she is having an affair and my emotions are following that thought. So, now I walk over to the table where they are sitting and I shout, “I THOUGHT YOU WERE TOO BUSY FOR LUNCH TODAY! WHO IS THIS!?” And I flip over their table.

I forgot to mention that, after an experience that is followed by thoughts and emotions, we also make decisions and take actions based on our experiences, thoughts, and emotions. This one isn’t a pretty one. Now, I’m having another experience as the police come to take me to jail.

This could have played out differently and I wouldn’t be spending the night in jail. The initial event is the same. I walk into the restaurant and there is my wife having lunch with a man I don’t know. I still didn’t expect her to be here because she works in Evergreen and I’m feeling confused and frustrated that we aren’t having lunch together. But before my thoughts go to other places, I take my cell phone out of my pocket and call my best friend.

“Dustin, I’ve just walked into Panera and Christine is down here having lunch with some guy I don’t know even though she’s too busy for lunch with me. I think she might be having an affair.”

Now, Dustin is a good listener so he let’s me share my thoughts and feelings with him even though I’m ramping up a bit. But I’m not going to flip any tables while I’m talking to him and, eventually, he asks me, “What kind of work does she do?”

“Well, she works in land conservation,” I say. “She talks to people about protecting their property and ensuring that there are more greenspaces around us.”

Dustin continues, “Is it possible that she is talking with a landowner who has a property he wants to protect and she’s meeting him for lunch?”

So, now, with this new perspective, I am able to walk over to where she is eating lunch and say, “Hi, I didn’t expect to see you here today. I was just about to have lunch here also.”

Maybe Dustin was right and she says, “Yes, I forgot to tell you that I was going to be here today. This is John. He owns property that is adjacent to an area where there is a lot of new development nearby and he wants to make sure it remains as a greenspace.” And then they continue their business lunch while I go get my lunch.

Or maybe Dustin’s speculation was helpful to keep me from flipping a table but when I approach the table, she starts to blush red and stammer for an explanation. Maybe it turns out that she IS having an affair and I have to face that hard reality. But I have resources to deal with that too. I can call Dustin (although he may want to stop taking my calls if I’m always bringing him my drama) or I can call one of my sisters or my pastor.

As it turns out, what might have been a thought distortion was true. But there are still other distortions that could come along. “My world is coming to an end.” “I don’t have anything to live for.” “I don’t think I can be a good single father.” I’m not saying that my deep sadness would be a distortion but there are other distortions that could arise from such thoughts.

The psychological/emotional aspect of our lives is what allows us to check the thought distortions that veer away from reality because distorted thoughts lead to distorted emotions which lead to distorted actions. Distorted actions create new events that produce more thoughts (based in distortion) which lead to further emotional distortions and actions. Seeking out the support we need to cope with the real tragedies in our lives (as well as the imagined ones) helps us to break the cycle of distortions so that we can focus on getting support through our experiences which can be hard enough without the distortions.

I have offered a very basic glimpse into the human condition and how we experience it. I don’t mean to imply that things are that straight forward and simple. They are not. Life is complex. People are complex. But, with an ability to seek out the support we need to fully engage our experiences, including all the grief and all the joy and all the complexity, we are able to bring ourselves more fully into the experience of a spiritual being having a human experience as de Chardin observed.

What resources do you have available to you? Who can you talk to when things seem to be spinning out of control? Who do you celebrate with? What distortions are you already aware of in your life? What resources do you have to help you reorient the distortions and give attention to the challenges as they are?

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You are welcome to take this journey in solitude in your own personal journal or share your reflections. If anything that you do makes you think you might want to continue a journey using Spiritual Direction, now or in the future, you can make an appointment with me through my website: 

www.RedRocksSDC.com