Lenten Journey: Shame vs. Guilt

Any journey of transformation is likely to include not only a journey toward a truer self but also an attempt to change things about ourselves that we don’t like. So, this exploration should include a conversation about shame and guilt.

In my years working as an addiction chaplain, this was a frequent topic. You can imagine, even if you haven’t lived the experience itself, that addiction brings a lot of guilt and shame for the journey. Here is a paraphrased narrative that I heard many times in my office when meeting someone early in recovery where X, Y, and Z stand in for different actions someone did in the course of their addiction.

“I can’t believe the things I have done to feed my addiction. At first, I didn’t think it was so bad. I said to myself, ‘Yeah, I like doing this but I would never do X.’ And then, one day, I realized I had done X so I said to myself, ‘Ok, I’ve done X but I would never do Y!’ And then, one day, I did Y and I said to myself, “Y isn’t so bad. At least, I’m not as bad as those people who are doing Z.’ And here, I am and I’ve now done X, Y, and Z in service of my addiction.”

In the world of addiction, shame is a downward spiral. A person does something they are ashamed of and they need to use to numb the feeling of shame or the memory of what they have done. Having used some more, they are more likely to engage in another behavior for which they feel shame so they use some more to further numb their feelings or forget their behavior. And the spiral deepens over and over until they hit what we call the user's bottom.

As I have shared so many times with people in my office who had hit bottom but were in danger of being swallowed up by their shame, I want to share with you a simple distinction.

Guilt is about Doing and Shame is about Being. And since we are human Beings, Shame is corrosive to our Being.

If I lie about something, that is something I am guilty of. I HAVE LIED – an action (Doing). Shame turns that action into an identity (Being). I have lied becomes I AM a LIAR. You don’t have to be a great philosopher to see how easy it is stop doing something you have done and how hard it is to stop BEING something you ARE.

Guilt leads to responsibility and change. Shame leads to self-loathing and inertia. Guilt is not easy but it motivates. Shame is hard and it immobilizes.

If I acknowledge that I have done something wrong, I can look at what led to that choice and make a plan for making better decisions in the future. If I have identified my very BEING with an action, I have created a label that sticks to my soul and isn’t easy to remove.

So, if there is something you have done that you don’t want to do again, take notice of how you speak about it and start by making that change. Instead of saying, "This is something I am," say "This is something I did.” (Not only is at an action instead of an identity, you've also put it in the past tense.) Guilt is not a great feeling but that feeling can propel you to change. Acknowledging that what you are feeling guilty about is something you did rather than who you are is the first step in the journey toward change.

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You are welcome to take this journey in solitude in your own personal journal or share your reflections. If anything that you do makes you think you might want to continue a journey using Spiritual Direction, now or in the future, you can make an appointment with me through my website: 

www.RedRocksSDC.com 

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