A Paradox of Grief

Tonight, I attended a Blue Christmas service. If this is unfamiliar to you, it is not an Elvis Presley service. Instead, Blue Christmas is a service to acknowledge that not everyone is feeling the joy of the winter holidays. Often due to a death but also due to sudden unwelcome and unexpected changes, the holiday season can be a time of grieving while everyone around you is celebrating.

For me, I’m doing both. My mother died last year, three days after Christmas following a long illness. Christmas was absolutely her favorite holiday! So, even though I didn’t usually get to see her until the day after Christmas, her presence has been significant as I go through all of the holiday preparations. I had been doing pretty well until last weekend. After her memorial service, I brought back several of the ornaments that were on the Christmas tree in my childhood. Suddenly, I was crying in the middle of decorating the tree.

Without going into a lot of detail, most of my grief around my mother’s death was anticipatory. She was ill for a long time and, although we were pursuing different treatment options, there were a lot of signs that things were going poorly. And then, she died suddenly not from her illness but from sepsis.

So, I experienced a significant amount of anticipatory grief followed by immediate grief. And my grief throughout the year has been variable but not overwhelming. (As a sidenote, if there is one thing I would want to communicate to families as a chaplain, it is that everyone experiences grief differently. It’s important not to compare your grief to another and find yourself or that other person lacking.)

And now, here we are at Christmas and I’m finding myself in a paradox. On the one hand, I AM experiencing grief. Not constantly but it shows up unexpectedly. On the other hand, I don’t know that I have ever felt so hopeful and inspired. THAT is the paradox. I definitely did not predict this.

I have experienced hopefulness and gratitude in strong doses before. But lately, I have been overwhelmed by them. I have experienced the kindness of friends both close and distant. My children have been amazing me lately, Tyler with his insights and Georgia with her creativity. I’ve been crying at the drop of a hat lately but mostly those tears have been prompted by beauty – music, sunsets, children playing. There’s SO much beauty in the world.

So, I am paradoxically hopeful, joyful, and grateful these days. A little voice inside of me says, “You’re supposed to be sad, depressed, and anxious.” But I’m not and I can’t MAKE myself be different from what I am. I am inspired these days.

Particularly if you are struggling, my holiday greeting to you is not “Happy…” or “Merry…” but simply “Be.” Be who you are at this time of year. And if joyful and hopeful is not part of your description these days, “Be with.” Seek out connections of support. Don’t force yourself to go to holiday parties that don’t suit you. But don’t isolate yourself either. Seek out those smaller intimate times and ask for support. You are not required to be happy but don’t disconnect yourself from support just because we are in this “season of joy.” The truth is there are more people out there like you than you may realize.